I'm Back!

Since my daddy passed away, I've been in a really weird place.  It's time to come back to being me.  I know there are questions that will never be answered.  I know there are conversations he and I will never have.  There are hurts that will never completely heal.  Yes, it hurts, but, I'm going to have to be okay with that.  I know in my heart that he loved me even when he really didn't know how or couldn't.  I'm going to survive this like I have survived many other difficult times in my life.  I am a survivor.  God has blessed me with so many wonderful things, I need to find my way back to gratitude for His grace.  I have children who love me and need me to here for them, not mentally and emotionally somewhere else.  They need more than my physical presence!  I have no doubt that they know I love them and would give my life for them but they need their momma back.  I still have some things to work out in my head and to deal with and that's going to take some time, I'm okay with that.  The main thing is, I'm back!  I'm going to hurt.  I'm going to cry.  I'm going to miss my daddy like crazy.  I'm going to be okay.  Thank You, God, for Your grace and love.  Thank You for wrapping me safely in the wings of an angel while I heal inside.  Thank You for being You!

Dear Death,

You suck!  Losing my dad has been a heart wrenching experience.  I don't feel the same anymore.  I cry a lot.  I've lost interest in so many things yet I have to continue to be and do.  It's hard..  I'm now officially an orphan if an adult can be such a thing.  My mother's death when I was 4 was difficult to say the least.  It's funny, since her death I've always felt like an orphan anyway.  My dad wasn't around, he was in the Navy and at sea and not interested in raising a daughter.  As an adult, I never had the courage to ask him why.  I just tried to accept that that was his choice at the time as painful as it was for me.  No kid likes to feel like their only surviving parent doesn't want them.  When I found out he told my third step-mother he didn't think I was his, well, needless to say that was like a kick in the teeth.  Now I'll never get to ask him why, Death has cheated me out of answers.