April Fools

I've accepted a challenge by Effy Wild to blog every day in April.  How foolish of me!  I don't know what I was thinking because typing right now is quite painful.  I had wrist surgery on January 8th and everything was going fine until I turned a doorknob a couple of weeks ago and felt a very sharp pain. I don't know exactly what happened in my wrist, but, something ain't right!  It hurts!  I go to see my surgeon on April 8th and hopefully he can figure out what happened and fix it.  Preferably without another surgery!  Anyway, I've accepted the challenge, I will do my best to complete it.

The wrist issue has also interfered with my art.  It's hard to draw and paint right now but my soul is screaming at me to do it anyway.  It's like a damn Nike commercial playing in my head, "Just do it!"  So I sketch but I'm not painting.  I'm scared to mess up the sketch that I've fallen in love with.  How silly is that?  The "what ifs" have taken up residence in my brain.  What if I totally fuck it up?  What if I can't get the skin tones just right?  What if I can make the bubbles look the way I see them in my head?  What if it sucks?  I hate the "what ifs."  They suck!

I know it's only a journal page, but, it's a piece of me.  I put my heart into it.  I went back into my mind to my childhood for this journal spread.  I take ownership.  So, the perfectionist in me joins forces with the "what ifs" and it becomes a stalemate.  It sits and it mocks me because it's incomplete.  It is my "Circle of Art."  

How the hell do I break out of this vicious circle?  How do I abolish the "what ifs" for good?  I really want to learn to create and not worry about perfection.  I want to create for the sake of creating.  I want to get my hands all painty and messy and just enjoy the process.  I wish I could let my inner child come out to play, but, the truth is, she wasn't much fun.  That's a whole other story for another time.

love and peace,

leadonna